What's the momentum behind the hand on the clock of society’s ideals? What are the reasons pushing us to behave and move through life in the ways that we do? This piece was one I wrote after leaving an abusive and toxic relationship. I was relieved to be free of that grasp. But in the same breath I was angry, bitter, vengeful, and broken over our falling out. This poem was the first of many that I have written on the road to catharsis and heart mending. It was really a winning moment to create this piece and have a taste of peace within a dark space. Poetry truly helped save my life.
September 11th 2016 4:30pm
Today would have been seven years had you not found a new host
Today would have been seven years had I not had the courage to speak your truth
Today would have been seven years had I not had the strength to stand for my spirit and push you the fuck away
My day is melancholy and my aura, nostalgic
I find myself wondering if your thoughts are with me
If you miss me
If late at night you find your pillow soaked with tears in my name
I wonder if you find yourself preoccupied, speaking my name in vain
With a deep sense of loss and pain lingering in the wrinkles of your mundane brain
Sometimes I wonder the level of impact my soul has left in your life
What memories have imprinted themselves in your cerebral?
Sometimes I wonder if I've left any strife
Have you repressed it all?
The smell of my breath hanging off the corners of your lips
The feel of my skin
The taste between my legs and the sensation within?
Does my face greet you when you close your eyes?
And drift to the place where you left your lineage deep between my thighs?
Do you wake up from the nightmare of realizing how great I was?
Do I haunt your dreams
Am I hovering in and out of the realms
Of your temporal lobes?
Is your life unraveling at the seams?
When you turn over in bed and her eyes meet your gaze,
Do they pierce your system like rays of gamma beams?
The way my own did
Do you find yourself lost like a kid
Yearning for my presence
Yearning for my warmth
Reminiscing in the scent of my existence
I hope I torment your every decision
That late in the night I plague your beleaguered visions
I hope I trigger your skin to break out in lesions
At the remembrance of my touch
And every memory of when we fucked leaves you dried
Buried deep in destruction and disoriented in a profound depression
Gripping the air for my hand and the vivacity I was once gave you
I curse your vigor with the venom of my ancestors
I curse your aspirations to drown in a spiritless lackluster four score deep
And every place you creep
Fills with a void of desperation and the moves you make fall into infinite hibernation
I often find myself wondering if your thoughts are with me
I know they are, you will never be rid of me
No matter how forcefully you try
No matter how often you peer into the mirror and convince yourself of the lie
The will of my being has clipped your wings and you can no longer fly.