& that’s where we find my mutha-flippin problem.
On December 10th, 2022 at a “work” related event mid-conversation I blacked out, fainted, hit my left eyelid on a wooden ledge, collapsed to the floor, and had what appeared to be a mild seizure [Yes, I said mild like that makes any difference smh]. When I came to, I was calm and very much alert while most of the people around me were frantic because of the blood gushing out of my face. It was a freakin’ spectacle.
A spectacle that as shocking as it may have appeared to most, I knew exactly what had been the cause. I had dangerously been DOING TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.
Again, the burden of that is mine but it is one that I am not insane enough to keep carrying.
Everybody repeat after me: “I’m choosing me. This time, next time, and EVERY TIME until the last time.”
[& trust, I will not be bothered if you do the same.]
This year I was called passive aggressive by a very close friend [Are we still friends?]. Passive Aggressive as in, “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them”. The “trope” was followed by listing all the emotions I had confided in her [just weeks before] that I had been experiencing with my mental & physical exhaustion, including: stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, and anxious. To then posture with a verbatim, “. . . idk but your attitude has been a bit shitty as of late. You should unpack that.”
So here I am calling out for help, while providing help [I won't put nobody's personal business on blast with the details] to then be told, “unpack that”. Yikes!
Had I not said to the world and all the people contributing to my stressful load [my family, my partner, my colleagues, my friends, my staff, my self], “I no longer have the capacity to do that”, or “I don’t have the time & resources to do this”, and ofcourse the hated, “Please, do this thing you agreed to do how you agreed to do it, so that I may also do my part without having to do yours”???
I did. Many times.
Not from some extrinsic hierarchical pedestal that upholds systems of inequity and disenfranchisement. Not to stroke my ego because I hold some capitalistic moniker that says I’m in charge. Not to cause harm that can not be repaired through time, practice, and self accountability but with a stance of human respect and experience in spaces many of them have yet ventured and I was never guided through.
Unfortunately, whatever I was communicating [no matter how clear and logical it had been to me] was not working.
Where this year's word was intentionality, it was served with a push to rationalize this urge to be useful [the thing I have always considered my purpose of being]. As I ridiculously recited, “You can not pour from an empty cup”, I was pouring out way too much champagne to those who just really needed water, and didn’t necessarily need it from me. [I was not eating right, my insomnia was at an all time high, my energy was depleted, I was not drinking enough water. Ya girl was moving blind off faith!]
As transparent as I have been learning to become, most people don’t want to hear my truth. The truth is that as much success as I am experiencing, as much joy doing things outside the box has brought me, as much love from within and from others I get to bask in, there are some core situations that are messing with my peace, livelihood, and stability.
Like. . .
Being denied a home loan because your socioeconomic upbringing & ethnicity, when you have 2.5 streams of income, a 720 credit score, with all your finances in good standing [Tuh, this is America]
Being debilitatingly sick 8 times in one year and then developing chronic fatigue [It’s extra nasty out there. Wash your hands & take your vitamin C. I have a 3 year old so all germs on me Lol]
Someone attempting to rob you in your place of business and then coming into your office building to find a strange man sleeping outside your door [This is the trauma caused by people just trying to survive. This is not a them problem. This is not a me problem. This is a WE problem. WE are failing our people]
These are just a few examples of where my year could have collapsed under me but instead I just pushed on. Saying yes, showing up, doing my best, and giving my all.
But when I needed a break, I did not pause.
But when I needed to say “hell no”, I tried to compromise.
But when I needed to be given grace, I did not demand it.
I knew better & I didn’t do better because I felt useful.
And that failure is my own.
I say all of this to get to a place of yearly reflection that is not just a list of triumphs [because I could do that. I did some dope sh*t that I’m really quite proud of *does one of those corny “I’m feeling myself” dances*] but to really vocalize that something has to shake B! Things absolutely must change.
