Dangerously Doing Too Much | A 2022 End Of Year Reflection from Editor-in-Chief, Lexi S. Brunson

/ CopyWrite Mag/

So here we are. 

I waited until the last minute to write this [not by choice] but the “happenstance” of life made sure I lived out at least 363 days of the year before I came to any conclusions. Sure, I am writing it now but I have been thinking about it since October, because at that point of the year I was through! I mean DONE! Feed up! Over it! I had already come to terms and accepted that THIS was what it was.

Is that vague?

Oh stop fussing. We will get there. [ Just admit it. Your nosey Lol. You will get random pics & videos of my year to look at while you read so your attention span will not fizzle cus I wrote a novel LMAO]

2022, had to be lived.

It had to be lived with contemplation, irritation, affliction, and scrutiny. Now this is not to say there were not any moments of rest, delight, comfort, and applause. Those moments are the blessings that carried me on to the next day. They pushed me into fight mode instead of flight mode. . . They kept me grounded. But see, joy for me is a byproduct of responsibility. I carry my load and thus I carry the highs and the lows that come with it. My burden is MY burden. But somehow I have been lifting weight that is beyond my load without making any gains.

& that’s where we find my mutha-flippin problem.

On December 10th, 2022 at a “work” related event mid-conversation I blacked out, fainted, hit my left eyelid on a wooden ledge, collapsed to the floor, and had what appeared to be a mild seizure [Yes, I said mild like that makes any difference smh]. When I came to, I was calm and very much alert while most of the people around me were frantic because of the blood gushing out of my face. It was a freakin’ spectacle.

A spectacle that as shocking as it may have appeared to most, I knew exactly what had been the cause. I had dangerously been DOING TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. 

Again, the burden of that is mine but it is one that I am not insane enough to keep carrying.

Everybody repeat after me: “I’m choosing me. This time, next time, and EVERY TIME until the last time.”

[& trust, I will not be bothered if you do the same.]

This year I was called passive aggressive by a very close friend [Are we still friends?]. Passive Aggressive as in, “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them”. The “trope” was followed by listing all the emotions I had confided in her [just weeks before] that I had been experiencing with my mental & physical exhaustion, including: stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, and anxious. To then posture with a verbatim, “. . . idk but your attitude has been a bit shitty as of late. You should unpack that.”

So here I am calling out for help, while providing help [I won't put nobody's personal business on blast with the details] to then be told, “unpack that”. Yikes! 

Had I not said to the world and all the people contributing to my stressful load [my family, my partner, my colleagues, my friends, my staff, my self], “I no longer have the capacity to do that”, or “I don’t have the time & resources to do this”, and ofcourse the hated, “Please, do this thing you agreed to do how you agreed to do it, so that I may also do my part without having to do yours”??? 

I did. Many times.

Not from some extrinsic hierarchical pedestal that upholds systems of inequity and disenfranchisement. Not to stroke my ego because I hold some capitalistic moniker that says I’m in charge. Not to cause harm that can not be repaired through time, practice, and self accountability but with a stance of human respect and experience in spaces many of them have yet ventured and I was never guided through.

Unfortunately, whatever I was communicating [no matter how clear and logical it had been to me] was not working. 

Where this year's word was intentionality, it was served with a push to rationalize this urge to be useful [the thing I have always considered my purpose of being]. As I ridiculously recited, “You can not pour from an empty cup”, I was pouring out way too much champagne to those who just really needed water, and didn’t necessarily need it from me. [I was not eating right, my insomnia was at an all time high, my energy was depleted, I was not drinking enough water. Ya girl was moving blind off faith!]

As transparent as I have been learning to become, most people don’t want to hear my truth. The truth is that as much success as I am experiencing, as much joy doing things outside the box has brought me, as much love from within and from others I get to bask in, there are some core situations that are messing with my peace, livelihood, and stability. 

Like. . .

  • Being denied a home loan because your socioeconomic upbringing & ethnicity, when you have 2.5 streams of income, a 720 credit score, with all your finances in good standing [Tuh, this is America]

  • Being debilitatingly sick 8 times in one year and then developing chronic fatigue [It’s extra nasty out there. Wash your hands & take your vitamin C. I have a 3 year old so all germs on me Lol]

  • Someone attempting to rob you in your place of business and then coming into your office building to find a strange man sleeping outside your door [This is the trauma caused by people just trying to survive. This is not a them problem. This is not a me problem. This is a WE problem. WE are failing our people]

These are just a few examples of where my year could have collapsed under me but instead I just pushed on. Saying yes, showing up, doing my best, and giving my all.

  • But when I needed a break, I did not pause.

  • But when I needed to say “hell no”, I tried to compromise.

  • But when I needed to be given grace, I did not demand it.

I knew better & I didn’t do better because I felt useful. 

And that failure is my own. 

I say all of this to get to a place of yearly reflection that is not just a list of triumphs [because I could do that. I did some dope sh*t that I’m really quite proud of *does one of those corny “I’m feeling myself” dances*] but to really vocalize that something has to shake B! Things absolutely must change.

It literally took me getting bust upside my head to sit my a** down. [Okay, energies that be! Yall not about to play with me. NOTED!]

So in 2023 & for as long as they apply the following are up for debate, dismissal, and eviction:

  • Leadership: I never wanted to be a leader but I have been called on to that journey. It is an obligation I don’t take lightly and I know why this has been asked of me and not another for this season of life. I note that there are traditions of leadership that I embody but there are even more that I do not subscribe to. This is because there are some systems that are traits of colonization, patriarchy, and inhumanity. I will not speak the language of my oppressor to my people. I will not continue to repeat methods that have failed those that needed it most. I will not ask of you what I am not willing to do myself. I will lead where my experience gives me expertise and I will follow where I need knowledge and guidance. If you do not respect my approach as a leader, I do not take it personally. This mission is just not for you. 

  • Friends: I am a lifer. Not a situational deflection. You owe me nothing, and thus I owe you nothing. Not a phone call, not a check in, not a visit, not a like. What you offer me I will appreciate with or without acceptance. What I offer you, you may take or leave without judgment. When we cross paths I will honor the moments we share. When we are apart I will value the memories that involve you. You don’t have to solve my problems, be my moral compass or even agree with me. All that I ask is that you respect my agency over me. [It's a swinging door]

  • Love: Me first. I love MYSELF first. I will love me wholeheartedly so that I can love others the same. I can forgive & love deeply. I can experience & love without holding a grudge. I can have loved wrong and still learn to love right. I am growing love and I am living love. This year was full of reminders that love, even when it is not contained in a pretty bow, can keep your soul alive. [To the love of my life & soul tie, Thanks for pouring into me the love I needed to get me through Papi].

  • Business: CopyWrite is going to be different. Progress is uncomfortable and those growing pains come with growing expectations. We can’t come to every event. We have children to raise. We can’t review every song. We got bills to pay. We can’t interview every wave maker, there are others who need a voice. Communal greatness is not complacent #SupportTheLocal. CopyWrite filled a void. CopyWrite changed the narrative. CopyWrite archived history. CopyWrite has plans. You coming or nah?

  • Extra: I’m not afraid to be wrong but I am damn sure not afraid to be right. I am afraid to give up before I am out of time. Let’s see what happens. “If they said I did it. I DID IT.”

So 2023, let’s ride it until the wheels fall off!






Love & All Things Urban,

Lexi S. “I’m resting” Brunson 

Editor-in-Chief of CopyWrite Magazine