Dirty Thoughts - In-between/Us

As Editor-in-Chief of CopyWrite, it is my responsibility to reflect what I ask my contributors, audience, and community for. True vulnerability and expression from our crafts. Authenticity in our stories and humility in our humanity is where the creative world thrives. So here is a piece of me, that honors all of those things, as a true uncensored exposition of my latest thoughts in the form of a "poem".

(To my somebody, thank you for letting me share this moment.) 

In-between/Us

I'm in a house full of noise, even though you are not around…

Scratches at the door are nothing more than the wind bitch slapping these hallowed walls.I laugh as I jump off the toilet, “Maybe he is here”.

I know better...but still, I smile, maybe tomorrow...maybe forever.

No issues here.

I left my heart in San Francisco...or maybe it was Austin…

Half of that is a quote from a song but still, it fits.

Misfits...like long nights in deep thought.

“What about equality?” conversations of duality and understanding of an unlevel headed couple. Do we have a song?

I would play it if I knew

I have this way about me where I can put anything on repeat as long it makes me think of you.

I'm soft like that.

I have been standing hard tho, making sure with every tear there is a smile.

Being with you taught me that...rough times build beautiful people.

“I never seen your type of species”

And now that I have my eyes are stuck

Don't stunt too hard…

I don't like the leather fur with the jersey

Makes you look like a player and you don't play...that's my game and I win.

“Mine!” yes yours.

Possession is a hell of a (hell of a) drug even when you're not around to get high.

I’ll eventually have to sleep in those covers...on that bed...to keep your spot warm until you come home…

Or maybe stop by.

Because love, we got this.

I will again learn how to make my own sunrise...and when the world sees me I will never fail to mention how you placed the light on my moon.

I hope this finds you well.

/Dirty

Dirty Thoughts - Watch me 'Red Mercedes'

I have been running Amine lyrics from ‘Red Mercedes’, through my mind all day. More specifically, the part that goes “Attitude like f**k you, pay me”.

But whhhhhhhhy?

I mean it's the ego and vibe. It's being generated at a different speed nowadays. An absolutely uncomfortable speed, but it looks so good, hence the ‘Red Mercedes” (it's all applicable). So as the ego trip is being served with some much-needed humility, there is still a moment to stunt.  

“Looking out my rearview, all I see is haters (hatin') This is just a preview, I use my gas for later (maybe!)”

Really, I have noticed that where my moves have become more public, so does the eagerness to knock me down a peg. It's a rough symbiosis. Where my personal quest has always been to use my skills as an extension to help others, those moves are not always beneficial to self. Where they are not beneficial to self, they are also fuel for the most basic parasitic human beings to latch on and either try to sabotage my efforts or use me for all I have.  But here is the thing, I have noticed. So as I revamp my lifestyle to press on issues that I and other heroes of our time think are important like social equality, faces of color shown thriving in creative fields (Black Panther for the win #WakandaForever), an increase in  institutional humanity (world domination through economic gain is not what we should be going for, as history has shown) and any other “deep” concepts that we wish were common sense, I am encouraging people to “try me”.

Like really, come for me if you have to. It's good exercise for me, to still prosper when obstacles are in my way. It's the age-old mantra (from the O’G’s at least), “let the hateration be your motivation”. I take this up a notch and ask, “But can you pay me though?” and even if the response to that rhetorical question is yes, I still push on and say “well do it then”.

As I play my role in a world that I’m  still trying to help cultivate there is still a moment to “stunt” and  I haven't even collected on my “invoices”... yet. It still looks good from over there and if I must be honest…it actually is pretty darn sweet. I just have to become more comfortable demanding mines.

So my message this time around is this: Stunt with a mission. Then send the bill.

/Dirty

Dirty Thoughts: Time of Logic

As the clock starts over (in theory) we hope so will follow everything hampered by time. However, if you are like me, you have this ability to predict the future ( by way of normal everyday analysis of cause and effect, and people watching….its called logic). In predicting the future there is a sense of knowing that is comforting but in the same breath can leave you uneasy, because even in knowing there is no way to change what likely will happen without disturbing natural order. (Go ahead and try and see how the butterfly effect comes back to bite you). 
Now here is the term that is critical to this plot: Logic!
Everybody's aptitude to determine what is logical is different. For example, to me it is logical that if you play with fire, eventually you will get burnt, that if you get caught selling drugs the police will take your “hard away” *inside joke* (mind you POP culture references are still my favorite), or if you act an A** eventually you will be perceived as an A** and get treated accordingly (Its still Karma for Karma). All in due time.
Everybody does not have that same capacity...and that's not your problem.
I have personally started my clock over (just like I said I would) and time has been testing my logic. I too have tried to out run time and now that I have hit refresh, there seems to be more of a liberating pep in my step and chuckle in my heart at the things that I can not control….like time, people, perspective.  I use my logic only to determine my next move and I avoid interacting with people whose logic does not fit onto my spectrum. (We don't dodge bullets from people who carry fake guns).
As the tick-tock, becomes less of a threat and more of a reminder, there is something to note: Everything expires...it's what you do before that time comes that makes the difference. 

/Dirty

P.S. Its time for a new Dirty Thoughts picture. I dont even look like that anymore! Lol
 

Dirty Thoughts: Reflections of Reflections

2017...You Bi*ch You!

We were supposed to be friends and you faked me out like a sucker!

Even with all that... I still loved you anyway.

Why? Because that's life!

It was prophesied that I would have an eventful year. That I would experience unexplainable wonders and have the time of my life. I was geeeeeeked. Oh, yes! By all means the prophecy held true, I just didn't factor in that some of those “wonders” would drop kick me through a wormhole then spit me out. I didn't consider the negative. I forgot to be mindful of the balance.

Let’s get personal:

This year I said goodbye to some deadweight. I applied to grad school and got in. My best friend and little sister moved away. My brother died. I found out that the man of my dreams was in love with me (we SZA’d Weekend that mess and started WWIII).  Dirty (for all intensive purposes) turned into “Dirtaña”. I put some people in some bad positions, and couldn’t fix it (karma me). I hit the east coast, the west coast, down south and parts in between. I went to Lambeau field (Thank you lawd my football dreams have been made!). I found out that being blonde makes you a target and that enemies & fans are one in the same (watch your back).

With all that my vision got a bit blurry, the good got messy and the messy got good, and ya girl forgot to “BREATHE!” (Like my favorite Fabolous song). Now that my year is coming to an end, I’m on an up, but that up comes with a thorough understanding that there is a balance that comes with “eventful”. It's not all “unicorns and glitter!” (In my Progressive Flo voice), in order to get what you need, you have to confront your fears and suck up all that pride and say, “Self...you gotta do better!”

So here is my formal apology to anybody who thought they were going to ride this low with me or anybody who thought my word was not going to be bond this time around. Unfortunately, for yall I'm not going to keep taking these killer L’s and letting yall suck the soul out of me.

LET ME BE GREAT!

/Dirty...Dirtaña

Dirty Thoughts - November Flaws

HUMANS ARE FLAWED.

So can we be fixed?

I have always found myself aware of my flaws. Some of them tend to be more harmful than others (Go figure!) As I analyze others, I often see their flaws first, but tend pull at the positive attributes. Trying to see the human, instead of the monster, the animal, the villain. It is in that I find self-understanding that, flaws can become lessons and lessons have value.  

Be accountable for your flaws but not tethered by their wounds. Be  ambitious in your healing. Challenge yourself to #DoBetter

I have taken on the challenge…who else will commit to self repair?

There is a subliminal message here.

“Whatever they say I did. I did it.”

/...my name isnt Dirty